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That whole belief of owning up and explaining your feelings for the benefit of other sometimes is just...wrong. I really can't think of a better word for it. There will always be a time when one's own feelings will pale in comparison and not even matter to the whole situation at hand. That's where my mistake lies. I mislead myself to think I really mattered when someone else was suffering more than me. In reality, faking a brilliant smile can sometimes be the best lie to give someone you care about if you know that your lips are best sealed than to part them and rake up things needlessly.
Sometimes, how you personally feel about something matters for nothing and people need to be free of the feelings of other to decide what believe is the best path of them. I tripped up big time right there and sunk my finger into the soft and susceptible flesh of someone who need to be free; all while still speaking of how they needed to tear from my grasp and accomplish their desires.
But that's just where a small dark hole in my heart sits that slowly eats away at me and other when it has a chance to spread its darkness to the corners of my mind. I was never someone who was made to be alone and that's where my ultimate cruelty lies. Because I have never been on close terms with my parental units, I only have my friends to turn to. But I have this repeating habit of singling out one friend to be "extra" close with and spilling everything that I have to just them; while giving the others the more "happy-go-lucky" side of me.
I just that I don't one day end up smothering the very ones I care about because my panicking fear is just too much anymore.
- Location:My fluffy bed~
- Mood:
Anxious~ - Music:Hot N Cold ~ Katy Perry
I know in all the twenty years that have shaped my life that only the last four or so have really begun to mean something to my overall being. This is, I know, in complete combat to what most psychologists say about our childhood being the part of our existence that really is an impact on us. But for someone who can't really remember her first day of fifth grade being in Conyers for the first year, it understandable that the more moving portions of my life are the ones where I was given a real chance to grab onto the things that could broaden my understanding accordingly.
As for whether or not my self-revelations were good or not is completely subjective. Just like good/right and bad/wrong are subjective. Because often two people, despite living in the same house, have similar values of the two. The thing is that I love myself for the more radical and placid parts of me both equally. I will probably always have the same beliefs I do now. Though that may be hard to determine, I have never been more confident in my choices and beliefs to suddenly disregard them now that I have found them within me.
- Location:The toy/computer room~
- Mood:
Complacent~ - Music:Must Be Dreaming ~ Frou Frou
The one time though, that I ever managed to develop some sort of a relationship with someone I cared deeply about, it was every sort of wrong one could ever imagine. The biggest guilt of the whole thing is that I honestly didn't want anything to happen when it all started. I was only hoping to tell my feelings so I could part with them amicably but that wasn't exactly how things went and it almost cost me something I wasn't ready to let go of or part with yet. It took some time as expected for the person I'd hurt deeply to forgive me but it left me suspicious and cautious. I understood my mistakes once the incident had past but it didn't change what I had done and that was the piece that allowed my suspicions to continue even to today. Could I ever be trusted when it came to the ones I cared about anymore? Would they be consciously or unconsciously weary about those they came to love in fear I might reach my hand out for them?
It had been a difficult thing for me to come to terms with, even now, just what it was I was capable of doing in hopes of easing the deep-rooted pains of loneliness that no one but someone who could love me in a special way, could ease. While I know that I was only one half of the actual issue and that someone else was the one who ultimately proposed the illicit affair, it still would never change the fact that I too wasn't strong enough to say "no" in the end. But one thing I still have to remind myself of is that it was a foolish mistake made when I wasn't fully capable, I believe, of understanding the consequences of idiotic actions. The pain of what followed has made me aware and weary of any chances of such a thing repeating itself.
Aside from that though, things have changed a lot since my last male caller parted ways from me when I had finally dismissed him with his acceptance of my lacking-feelings for him. I often have ended up being the one to break the hearts of those who have said to care for me than the other way around. But I don't believe it was done to protect my heart from beginning to feel for them, I was ultimately sure that I wasn't going to even start to like them and even long after they've stopped trying to strike up conversations with me, I've never to think of them again until on occasion. I've just never been one for regret since I think it's rather pointless since it won't change much if no action but the one of regretting something is employed.
The one thing I have come to accept greatly within myself as a much needed relief was the constant pressure I sort of put on myself to find someone I could experience my first kiss with and even other things. But now I just don't see it was quite the "milestone" anymore and would probably just kiss the very next boy I went on a date with just to see what it felt like. I found after careful consideration that it was wildly outrageous to put so much onto something rather petty really. I don't doubt that I could remember it years later but that wasn't cause to make it so damn special. It was starting to almost make me paranoid in some way when I was younger and more cautious about the whole deal. It was almost kind of comical the way I would promptly refuse to kiss any of the guys that went with me to the various dances and the like because I didn't care enough about them to share it with them. I may have hurt some boys doing that, I'm sure. It's such a good thing that I finally grew up in that regard.
Even though this might be a "immature" or "un-grown up" of me to still have, I do still think of having a perfect lover, even now. I would want him at least 5 inches taller than me so when I hugged him my ear laid against his heart. Preferably with short medium to dark brown hair or even if it was a more golden shade of red. [Like strawberry blonde.] I want his hair to fall into his eyes even despite his attempts to move in behind his ear so that it gives me reason to touch his face when I look into his green or gray eyes. He would have to be the type of guy who doesn't mind being playful and fun in public places where people can see him, because I'm that way. I would want him to carry him on his back whenever we were in an amusement park if I so wanted it and he would have to be funny and comical. A guy who can't make me laugh just doesn't cut it. But even with all that, I'd prefer him to have a romantic and/or sentimental side that doesn't mind displays of affection in front of family and friends.
I know he sounds too good in some ways but that's what I called him the perfect lover. I can dream right...? xD <3
- Location:The toy/computer room~
- Mood:
Thoughtful~ - Music:A.N.G.E.L ~ Natasha Bedingfield
So then, with no real language classes taking place, where was I to go to for my major now? Really, the answer had been so obvious I'm not sure why a ton of books didn't just hit me to make an more blunt point. I could pursue creative writing! I had more than enough love, passion and drive for that to happen. There was nothing to stop me but my imagination and intellect, respectively. Neither of which, so far, had and still have yet to fail me. Once I finally made the choice and stuck to it, my mind was suddenly at a piece ease. Things had always done that for when I had something brewing within me. The moment I put it "in play" my mind no longer constantly brooded or worried over it. There was just peace within me.
From there, my mind was instantly thrown into my first project. I've never been very good at explaining things without going too far or not explaining enough so I'll just try to say what I can without revealing much. Basically, it's about a girl whose only real purpose is to serve a "go-in-between" for an older woman whose high school years were horrible for her due to certain reasons. She is only a doll that was taken from her family to live out her live in the way the older woman couldn't have. So when she finally begins her sophomore year, she ends up being allowed to date a young boy who knows nothing of her secret world and yet stumbles across one of her darkest secrets know only to her and the older woman. Not even her alleged lover knows this dark secret, but yet he claims to know the part of her the other boy can never grasp.
It's not the most explaining story pitch but there are really so many complicated parts to it all that all just sort of popped into my head as I was brewing this story up and I can't afford to have someone I don't really know, find them all out before they're written and [hopefully] published. I have so much faith in this story that I am positive someone will love it just as much as I do and see it's potential to make it into an actual book. The best part of the whole thing is I know that not all of this story can fit into one single book. I have at least three planned out in my head just waiting for my fingers to spin it all out on the computer. [Since I hate writing and then recopying things to text.] There are still sketchy parts in my head but I know that I am going to try and pitch it as an adult novel. Because certain parts of it I can't change to make it fit as a young adult one. Like the relationship between the "informed boy" and the marionette. They have a very special sort of relationship that just wouldn't make the storyline work well if I had to cut things from it.
Even with that story though, I have a second and third story inside my head. The later one is the one I am unsure of what to do with. I'm sure I'll write it but I'm uncertain what I should do with it once it's all finished. It's the type of story I'm not sure would fit well with the other two, even when none of them deal with the same type of storyline basis. I will probably end up trying to pitch it to someone but it will need more refinement in it's details than the other two swirling in my thoughts. Of that much I am sure.
Aside from all that, I am going to showcase how my writing skills have come along since I last posted on this journal in that sort of regard but since, at the moment, I'm too lazy to make something new just for this, I am going to show a roleplay post I made over a month ago. It is the opening post to a new generation furuba roleplay. Though I have since remade the roleplay due to inactivity, here is the link to the old one.
It was only a block or two more. Surely no farther than that. The shop owner assured Reina that she was absolutely correct in her directions. For everyone knew where the Sohma estate was, she'd confessed with an awkward staining blush that had reminded the twenty-two year-old of a uncoordinated selection of painted wall colors. But the reason they all knew, and though the woman didn't speak it aloud since her expression said it all, was mostly because they avoided it. The Sohmas were infamous for their influence that reached across the islands of Japan. They were, as a very close neighbor of hers when she was till back in Kyoto had said upon hearing what she was going to do, a "more dignified and elegant version of the yakuza." "If such a thing were possible," he added moments later after having pulled back his expression somewhat from the disgusted one he'd worn.
None of this Reina originally knew though. She acquired all the information she could by more or less backing her adoptive mother into a corner until she broke down into a sobbing mess and uttered all she knew between the racking sobs and teardrops. It hadn't been the to-be-God's intention to watch the woman who'd taken care of her so lovingly over the all twenty-two years to be reduced to a blubbering mess of fair-blond hair and pale skin. In the end it had all been necessary, she'd convinced herself after helping her late mother's sister to her feet and brushing her off; all the while, uttering as much of a heartfelt apology as she could without tasting any bitterness that the possibility of her words of repentance being a lie, could wedge in. It was the cruelest actions the woman had ever consciously found herself doing but all she could think of after it was all done, was if it would be the last time she ever did it. A tiny, almost inaudible, whisper at the back of her mind, said it wouldn't be. And for this, Reina was in fear...of herself.
Letting out a delicate sigh at the recounting of the events that had led her to her current situation, Reina's ocean blue eyes couldn't help but to flicker to her right as something caught her eye. It was her reflection and she couldn't help but to stop to overlook herself once more. This was probably the fourth, or even fifth, time she had stopped to take another sweeping look over her appearance. The longer she stared at the full length reflection in the shop's window glass, the more her previous fear began to shift to nervousness. Nervousness that had blossomed from the hazy future acceptance she was walking toward with every clicking step of her decorated platforms. Simply because she had no idea what reception awaited at the large wooden gates of the Sohma estate had her fretting about her looks in hopes some key to a warm welcome was hidden. Might they end up finding something strange in her large expressive blue eyes or her choice of clothing for the occasion? Keeping a tight grasp to the wrapped box she carried and her stuff animal's arm, Reina gave a quick spin around before the reflective glass, only to watch the edge of her self-made "Waloli" dress flare out before come back down to settle around her knees when she'd halted the spin.
That morning Reina had been very precise on what outfit she wanted. Something that showed the symbolic nature of what she represented and would be for them if they so expected and wanted it. So she had settled on a traditional-inspired lolita outfit; though the style was commonly called Walolita. It combined traditional Japanese clothing like a kimono or yukata with Lolita parts incorporated. So what she ended up with that morning after dressing was a very light blue kimono top decorated with clouds and a waterfall made with silver thread to match with her white petticoat and legging bottoms that spoke of just what she herself was a mixture of: the past and present/future. Reina didn't want to be like her father but she wanted to convey that she too, could be just a meaningful as the past God had surely been.
Pressing a clothed hand to her lips, for her kimono sleeves were a bit longer than she'd would have normally worn them, the God stifled a giggle at how foolish she was being as she continued to catch the stares of various people moving around and past her. Surely she must have cut a comical sight with all of her modeling and spinning to see all sides of her reflection in a shop's window. Luckily though, Reina reminded herself, she was still needed somewhere else and turned to right her course once more, moving her hand to once more fold around the gift-wrapped package she held. But as she touched it, her soft smile once more fell and she raised a hand to sweep a falling section of her styled blue hair back behind her shoulder while turning her head back towards the long sheet of glass stretching out behind her place on the sidewalk.
Only vaguely aware of how chest-fallen her expression had become, Reina couldn't help but to glance down to her hands and what they held before her legs started moving again. As the sidewalk moved beneath her with each size-able step made by her slender legs, the twenty-two year-old kept her eyes glued to the black wrapping paper and deep purple bow of the "gift" in her hands. They weren't exactly the colors she would have chosen, but really nothing about the inoffensive little box grasp tightly between her stuffed animals arm and her palm, had been her choice. It was the only required thing of her if she wanted to take her place with the family she'd never known. The urge, though, that welled up within her each time she passed a trash-can in the few blocks it had taken her to reach the Sohma estate, for she had made sure to arrive on foot and alone, to just throw the box away and never turn away thundered in her eyes till it nearly made her deaf. Still each time, taking only a second to mentally deliberate, Reina had pushed on and kept walking. The choice had been made and couldn't be undone.
As her feet continued to swiftly move her towards her destination, despite never once looking up at where she was headed-to make sure she wasn't about to walk into traffic or something of the sort-Reina propelled her body with confidence in her route. Each step seemed to amplify the tingling burn that resounded through her blood and surged through her veins. That undeniable feeling of icy numbness that she'd always carried through her life and accepted as purely normal was slowly giving way to the charged, almost electric, sensation that rippled throughout every cell of her body. Every solid forward moving step she took only added to this heightened feeling and served as her guide on the path she would need to take to finally calm and soothe the awkward ache of her subconscious that screamed out to finally be silenced. But even above all that, the thing that kept her legs still moving-or when she stopped had them itching with the urge to resume movement-was the sort-of polarized magnetic pull she felt on her heart that almost threatened to suffocate her with it's fury. This, coupled with the burning static of her body almost crushed the slender body of the young blue-eyed woman.
Finally managing to pull out of her swimming ocean of thoughts and sensations, the silken blue-haired woman couldn't help but to notice the wooden gate that had started only a few feet back and what it meant for her. She was nearly there now. Only a few hundred yards, at best, till the main door was before her. "I can still turn away. No harm would become of my choice if they've yet to know me." Her bell-toned voice came out in soft, almost mutely hushed tones, like a feathered whisper. This was done out of the fear that if she spoke any louder that someone could catch wind of her presence and perhaps come to see. And she couldn't have that. This first-encounter was to be one of her own initiation and nothing else because of her foolishness. Reina blinked, her large blue eyes gleaming in the bright sun of the midday for she had lifted her head to gaze at the large polished doors of the surrounding gate before her when she'd finally halted. This was the moment. Only the future could tell her of what would become and she raised to hand to knock solidly and confidently on the doors to her new home, hoping it wouldn't all be an uneraseable mistake in the end.
I personally think I have gotten better though I did sort of diminish in the detail I loved including. But I realized that after this post was made, so my style has shifted a bit more since then. Over all though, I love what I am capable of doing now. It just makes me feel so capable and confident in my dream. I know that no matters what happens, my dream of becoming an author/novelist will be realized and happen, one day.
- Location:The toy/computer room~
- Mood:
Artisticly creative~ - Music:Like Toy Soldiers ~ Eminem
Aren't you jealous? ;3
If you're not, you should be. D<
I don't really think I can say much else cohesively about AWA 14 until it's over so yeah~
Go read something else. xD
- Mood:
excited
Over a year plus since my actual last entry. Not that near anyone would notice that. I deleted all the other entries in one big flush the night before last. It was obnoxious though; having to go through each single entry just to remove it. Once it was all gone and done, I only slightly regretted it. But the reason for that is mostly due to the way I used to write things. Not the content of the entries, per say. I read each and everyone one of them though, every comment that was made too.
And well~
Going through each entry and reading all the...things...I went through had me crying by the end of the process. It's embarrassing to admit but at least it's not a lie. I can't remember too too much of my high school days-which was all that the journal had really covered-and ever since I graduated, I just accepted it as the way it would be with my flimsy memory. Since reading all my confessions [of sorts], I've come to the almost obvious conclusion that my hazy memory is all done on purpose. The good majority of the more "dramatic" or "heavy" things I spoke of in my now-deleted journal entries, I have no recollection of. While that may seem impossible that the years that are said to shape ones life just got streaked through with a white marker in my memory, I don't know how else to think of it.
Even if, though, I don't have any real clear incidents to draw back on to later look at in life, I know that events did something to me. Whether it was good or bad, is subjective. I never thought I had real problem in high school despite being the more "obnoxious" [their words] one. To the few who really understood me though, considered me the "hyper happy'light-hearted" [again, their words] one. Neither was astoundingly accurate, but the latter was far closer than the second, I think. I know I was never perfect or anywhere near it, but I don't think I ever deserved all the shit I got for having the type of personality that I did.
Sometimes, the absolute fury that overwhelms me at the sort of crap many of my fellow classmates and underclassmen alike, just has me wanting to scream "why?" at them over and over until I can't anymore. While I admit that I was weak enough to let them do things to me and in turn have it affect me; for every prey, there is a predator. I doubt I need to say too much else on that half of this little thing, whatever you could call it.
As with just about anything involving humans with personal thoughts, there is a second side to what happened to me. While may not the personals of each separate person, I can give what I am near positive is at least a portion of the reason they did what they did to me; often, when people are in some sort of turmoil themselves, they'd prefer to direct a laughing or cruel finger in someone else's direction so no one would see their own issues. If you join the crowd, you won't then be singled-out either. That sort of thing. So, in some ways, while I would nothing more than to blame those who toe me down time and time again, some piece of me doesn't see what good it would do since they may have been hurting too.
Two, maybe even three, years. That's how long its been since I finally let all of that struggle behind. I can't honestly say if I am a better person than I was then. The reason for that is though is because I never have seen a problem with myself; I loved myself in my good and bad parts. The active need for change has never been within me. So. yeah. ;3
In the end, everything I went through is simply best as it is now; in the past and beyond the ability to be relived.
- Location:Ashley's fluffy bed~ ;3
- Mood:
Listless~ - Music:Sarah Palin's Bombed 20/20 Interview
